The Short Happy Marriage of a Stupid Man

I woke up early. That was odd for a Saturday. My wife was already in the shower. I didn't know what was going on, but I was still recovering from Thanksgiving and...my inlaws.

"Honey! Are you awake?" She was calling from the shower.

I had to get out of there but all of the door ways were blocked. If I left through the window I was sure to be discovered. It's hard to break out of a tiny window. The bedroom door was blocked with clothes. I knew I should've done laundry yesturday. That's just one more I knew she was planning on having me do today.

"Seriously, get up." She started yelling from the bathroom.

"No."

"Yes! What is wrong with you?"

"I like sleeping."

"You are such a man. Why aren't you up yet?"

"Because it's Saturday."
"No. It's not babe."

Before I could argue I realized it was too late. It was "Black Friday" which meant the mother of all sales. I was horrified at the task that was at hand. The smell of the whole thing. I just didn't feel like dealing with it that morning.

She walked out of the bathroom. Days like that I question my relationship with this woman. Isn't cleaning her job?

"I can hear Alyssa crying, babe." She hinted.

"No! I am not doing it!"

"Yes, yes you are."

"Why are you leaving me here with her today? I wanted to go somewhere."

"Where?"
"...No where."

"Suck it up you baby. I need to go to Sears and JC Penny and Payless and..."
Her voice started drifting away. I was trying once again to plan an escape.

"Now go get the baby and stop being stupid."

"Fine."

I wanted to leave her. I wanted to disapeer. I didn't want this baby anymore.

I got out of bed and slowly walked over to the baby's crib.

"Hi baby girl." I said to her like I did every morning.

"Feed her!" I heard my wife belowwing from the bedroom.

"You do it."

She walked in and took Alyssa from me. Minutes later Alyssa was back into my arms and my wife had already left.

"How does she do that baby girl? She just up and leaves."

"I can't believe i'm talking to a baby."

Just then a horrid smell engulfed the whole room. No way. This was not happening yet. Not this early. I was strictly against doing this. I knew the world was out to spite me. What had I done to deserve this?

This horrible SMELL! It was everywhere.

I placed Alyssa on the table and winced. Why?! Why couldn't my wife had done this before she left?! She left me to do the dirty work while she was off spending the money I earned.

Beside the table was a bag of dipers. No. There's no way.

"Oy de Mi!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. There were no dipers. Why were there no dipers? We bought some a few days ago! This baby is gross!

I needed to improvise, and fast.

I looked to my left. Nothing.

I looked to my right. A pile of towels. As good as not--...wait a minute.

Just then a wonderful thought came over me. This is how I could solve this problem.

I grabbed a dark colored towel. That should hide it well when my wife comes home. She should be able to get the stains out. Besides, I could run and get dipers before she came home. That would make me look responsible. That's a great thought. Yeah. She'd think i was the best husband in the world.

I brought the towel to Alyssa and tried to figure out the best way to do this. I held my nose with one hand and changed her diper with the other. It was impressive if i do say so myself. As soon as I got the towel tied around her I heard the worst sound ever. The car pulling up to the driveway.

I ran and put Alyssa back in her crib and paniced.

"Hi sweetie. I forgot my cell phone. I think I left it in Alyssa's room." She laughed and walked into the baby's room.

"Um...No. I'll get it for you." I was panicing again. What had I done?

She laughed and pushed her way passed me and walked into Alyssa's room. I was already ready to run.

"AHHH!!!"

There was a ear piercing scream coming from the room.

"My favorite towel is...on Alyssa." She yelled.

I could just see the divorce papers now.

"I...I I I..." There was nothing i could say. This was going way too far. I should've just bought dipers. Maybe next time I will.